I have been struggling lately on my journey to the best version of me. I started an alcohol free journey in November of 2018 and while I have changed my relationship with alcohol in the number of days I drink, I am still battling with binge drinking from time to time.

Drinking has defined so much of my life. I started in college and my competitive nature kicked in and had me out drinking many of my friends, including guys. I wore how much I could drink as a badge of honor. It was dumb. Because what I didn’t understand was that I was setting myself up for a lifetime of over drinking, the addictive nature of the substance and now a challenge to change that pattern permanently.

I don’t subscribe to AA (not that I think it’s bad) but I don’t believe in wearing a negative label forever. I prefer to look to the positives of removing alcohol from my life. And I have had many stint of doing so over the last 3.5 years. But I always find my way back.

My latest stretch of 28 days was going amazingly well and I really felt a shift in my mindset. But all it took was one bad fight in my house to bring me back. I knew I shouldn’t have had that first glass of wine because since then I haven’t been able to go more than 7 days without alcohol.

Some might say “That’s great!” “You’ve kept it to only once or twice a week.”

But that was once or twice a week that I wasn’t the best mom that I could be. I let things slip for that night and the next day. It takes me a couple of days to get back to normal and I eat shit and miss out on exercise.

So after yet another happy hour last night where I could have choose my La Croix over my Rose’, I am back to where I don’t want to be. I am ashamed that I wasn’t stronger. I am ashamed that I choose to be a part of things that I don’t align with which add stress and exhaustion and wear myself down so that I think wine will help.

I want to put drinking behind me as there is no redeeming quality to it in my life. It takes from the important aspects of my life. I am not my authentic self when I am under the influence and after all that I have learned over the last 3.5 years I cannot just mindlessly go back to drinking.

I am afraid that I will not connect with some people and it will change some of my relationships but maybe my fear of letting go is what is holding me back. So today I will complete another day 1 but I will not lose all that I have learned and gained over the last 1143 alcohol free days.

My story is not linear and I will work to tell it here as I hope it doesn’t just help me but others as well.

This is the story of me. I want to share where I’ve been and where I’m headed because maybe, just maybe, it will resonate with someone out there. Living life can be so hard and trying to figure out all the right moves, navigate jobs and getting along with family is a lot for all of us.

I am a wife, mother to an almost 7 year old girl and corporate sales executive. To say my life is busy is an understatement. There are many days I don’t even know how I fit everything in. Besides work I am finishing my Executive MBA in June and I am the President of my HOA board, you can say I’m a glutton for punishment.

About 3.5 years ago I also realized that I was drinking A LOT. My everyday glass of wine had turned into 1-2 bottles and my drinking often started at lunch and went into the evening. I had a small child at the time and a job where my boss had it out for me. In November of 2018 I realized that if I wanted to go anywhere I needed to work on my drinking. I have spent these last few years cutting down my frequency of drinking and quantity of alcohol. I have an ultimate goal of kicking alcohol forever but it’s been a journey.

Through this journey I have spent time working on meditation, managing my sometimes crippling anxiety without alcohol, and looking at my general overall wellbeing. I have learned that perfection doesn’t exist so I always strive to be better. Some days it works, some days it doesn’t. I’m hoping that by sharing my story here it might help me on my journey and maybe help someone else along the way.

I hope you can follow my ramblings and enjoy taking a look at my photography that I’m starting to get into. I will be growing my health and wellness section as I look at happiness, balance and how I plan to live the second half of my life better, 44 never looked so promising!

Welcome to my wild ride of ups and downs, wins and losses and overall openness!

Much Love!

SBB